Meggie is a sad panda.

[fisme_nasu]

Well, not really, but I'm having issues with myself. I was feeling restless this weekend and wanted to do something - anything - to look different. So I cut off my hair. It's not quite a bob - it's a funky layered chin length cut that would look beyond terrific if I knew anything about hairstyling. It still looks good, though.

I want to look good. I've been writing all these entries about losing weight to get healthy, and it's absolute horseshit. I AM healthy. All of my blood tests are well within the normal range, I have no mobility issues, I almost never get sick. I'm likely to STAY healthy - my grandma is a fat woman who got diabetes at 80 and any other health issues she had were brought on by working in a chemical factory. She's 91 and going strong. My mom is on the chunky side and her two younger sisters are very fat and very thin, respectively. Everyone is healthy.

I was bored and flipping channels the other night and there was a Biggest Loser marathon on TWO channels, and the third was showing Ruby, a reality show about a 477 lb woman trying to lose weight. At the time of this show, she'd dropped 67 lbs and after watching a minute, I burst into tears. Monkey asked me why and I told her it was because I looked like the woman on tv, even though I'm more than a hundred pounds lighter than her. Monkey was very upset and tried to comfort me by telling me that she's fatter than I am - which I know logically. I apologized for upsetting her and told her I was just being stupid and I wasn't feeling well. God knows I don't want to project my drama on her.

But what I realized is that I want to be normal. I want to fit in - and fit everywhere. I don't want to have to worry about fitting on an airplane, I want to go on fair rides with Monkey and Ben, I want complete strangers to stop saying mean things about me. I want to feel comfortable in front of a camera. I want to feel desireable. I want to shop in normal stores. And I reall, really want to stop hating my self for not living up to my own expectations.